


The Sadness Will Never End

by Heckyheck_Icravedeath



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: HE DOESNT LISTEN THOUGH, I swear, M/M, Nat is like trying to get Steve to stop blaming himself, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter needs love, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers goes a bit crazy, Steve is also v sad, Totally, Ugh, alright so have fun with this, but I continue to break them, but its fine, haha okay have a blast:), hes a sad boi, i feel it in my bones, im not insane I swear, it hurts me, its okay, just a lil bit, okay so like actually maybe a lot crazy, rip matey, that also hurts me, there is no logic there, well anyway, what a bitch, youll hate me after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 02:56:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17820491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heckyheck_Icravedeath/pseuds/Heckyheck_Icravedeath
Summary: It was 1am, the time Steve was usually up and thinking about things. It was usually one thing, Tony Stark.Steve hadn’t seen or heard from Tony since the second fight with Thanos. It was brief and it made Steve’s heart hurt because he missed Tony so much.He hadn't been able to move on. Ever since they split up, Steve couldn't stop thinking about it. The whole thing was his fault and he hated himself for it. If he had just not been such a stubborn asshole, maybe things would be different.





	The Sadness Will Never End

**Author's Note:**

> Yeet okay so Steve loses it and I mean LOSES it. I kind of hate myself deeply for this, but what else is new lmaoooo. anywho have fun with whatever the fuck I created.

It was 1am, the time Steve was usually up and thinking about things. It was usually one thing, Tony Stark. 

Steve hadn’t seen or heard from Tony since the second fight with Thanos. It was brief and it made Steve’s heart hurt because he missed Tony so much. 

He hadn't been able to move on. Ever since they split up, Steve couldn't stop thinking about it. The whole thing was his fault and he hated himself for it. If he had just not been such a stubborn asshole, maybe things would be different. 

It's not like it mattered anymore though. It was in the past and no one could do anything to change it. 

Still Steve wallowed. He knew why he couldn't move on, but he would _never_ say it to anyone. It was a secret that he planned to keep to himself. 

Natasha knew though. Steve _knew_ Natasha knew. She would give him looks every time someone mentioned Tony. She would always drop hints saying he should call Tony. The one thing that stuck out the most was when one time she asked him, ‘Did you only ever like Tony as a friend?’ He had given her a look and said yes. He was never much of a liar so she probably knew it wasn't true, but she didn't call him out on it. She just went about her day and never mentioned it again. 

Steve could live with the fact that Nat knew. He just hoped that Nat stayed the only one who knew. She probably would. He needed to stop worrying. It wasn't helping anything. 

He sighed and ran hand through his hair. A phone’s ringtone went off, which scared the living daylights out of Steve. “Who the hell is calling this early?” He grumbled under his breath. 

Then suddenly his demeanor changed as realization hit him like a truck. 

That was the flip phone. The only person who had the number to the flip phone was... _Tony_. 

Steve practically threw himself across the room and grabbed the little phone off the table. He opened it at lightning speed and pressed it to his ear. “Hello?” He hated how hopeful his voice sounded. 

“Um...hey, it's me, Peter.” 

“Peter?” Disappointment washed over Steve, but then curiosity crept up on him. Why was Peter calling? And why was he using the flip phone to do it?

“Yeah. I need to tell you something.” His voice sounded distant and it was filled with something along the lines of pain. 

“Is everything alright?” Steve sunk his teeth into his bottom lip. Unease trickled into his stomach. A cold laugh sounded from Peter. 

“No. Everything is _not_ alright.” 

“What's wrong?” Steve asked gently. Peter let out a shaky sigh. 

“It's about Mr. Stark.” Fear gripped Steve’s entire body. 

“What about _him_?” It was silent for a few moment.

“He’s…dead.” Steve’s couldn't move, almost as if someone glued his feet to the floor. A lump formed in his throat. 

“ _Excuse me?_ ” He managed to say. His mouth was slightly agape. A few tears found their way down Steve’s cheeks. 

“Mr. Stark is _dead_ ….It’s been a month or so, but I didn't want to tell you right away.” Peter’s voice cracked as he spoke. 

“Please tell me this is a joke.” Steve knew it wasn't, but he didn't want to believe it. 

“I wish I could tell you is was.” There was a lengthy silence before Peter spoke again. “I'm sorry, Steve. This sucks, I know it does. You get used to it after a while...just don't do anything stupid please.” 

“It’s fine. I'm sorry too kid. I won't, same goes for you.” Steve was trying not to breakdown. He knew he sounded like it, his voice was all watery and he kept sniffling. Peter snorted.

“Yeah, sure thing.” 

“Why’d you snort like that?” Steve raised an eyebrow.

“Like what?” 

“Don't play dumb with me kid.” 

“ _Please_ , don't. I really don't want to talk about this.” Peter sounded desperate. Steve decided to not push it, although he had a pretty good idea as to what the boy was doing. 

“Okay, fine, but please don't hesitate to call if you need to get stuff out. You don't deserve to go through this alone.” 

“Thank you. I'll talk to you later then I guess.” 

“Alright, bye, Peter.” 

“Bye, Steve.” The call ended and Steve took a moment to gather his thoughts. 

_Tony was dead and Peter was not taking it well, clearly_. 

Steve decided to let the kid come to him when he felt like he needed to talk about what he was doing. He didn't want to force Peter to talk. So Steve focused his thoughts on the other thing. The one thing he never wanted to have to think about. 

_Tony Stark was dead_. 

_His_ Tony. 

_His_ best friend.

_Gone_. 

Steve couldn't wrap his head around it. It was like he was trying to swallow a pill that was way too big. 

He tried to keep his tears at bay, but it was hard when all he could think about was the fact that he would _never_ hear Tony’s laugh again. He would _never_ see that million dollar smile again. He would _never_ be able to hug Tony again. He would _never_ hear a sarcastic remark come out of Tony again. He would _never_ have to collect Tony from his lab at four in the morning again. He would _never_ get to take care of Tony while he is sick again. He would _never_ get to tell Tony how he felt. 

The tears had finally broke free from Steve's eyes and started to flowed down his cheeks. 

Soon enough he couldn’t stand anymore, so he let himself sink to the ground. He pushed his back against the bed and pulled his knees to his chest. Steve shoved his face in his hands and let out little sobs here and there, body racketing harshly with each one. 

The more he thought about it, the more he hated himself. He didn’t protect Tony. He let the love of his life _die_ and he didn’t even know about the death until a month later. _A month_. 

What kind of guy was he? He knew the answer to that. He was a terrible guy. A weak, lying guy. 

Steve had told Tony he would _always_ protect him, no matter what. He told the billionaire that he would _always_ be there, no matter what. That clearly wasn't the case though. Steve left him behind in a freezing cold bunker. He almost killed him in said bunker as well. He wasn't there for Tony after the first Thanos fight and he wasn't there for him for the second one either. And since he wasn't there, Tony died. 

It was all Steve’s fault. Every single thing. He couldn't seem to do anything right. No matter how hard he tried to make things work, they just didn't.

What would people think of Captain America when they learned he couldn't keep IronMan alive? They would probably think he was a horrific person who shouldn't be a hero. He didn't disagree with that statement. If he couldn't keep Tony safe, how would he be able to keep the rest of his family safe? 

Before he could sink into extreme self-hate mode, a gentle knock sounded from the door across the room. “Steve?” Natasha questioned. Steve cleared his throat. 

“Yeah, what's up?” He winced at how troubled he sounded. 

“Can I come in?” He hesitated. 

“Uh...sure.” The door opened and there Nat stood. She stepped into the room and closed the door was quietly as she could. She turned back around and her gaze softened. 

“What happened?” Her tone was tender. She crossed the room and sat herself next to him. 

“Peter called.” Steve wiped at his tears and tried to steady his breathing. 

“What did he say?” Nat wrapped her arm around his shoulders. 

“He...um...told me that Tony is…” He trailed off. He couldn't say it. It hurt way too much. 

“Tony’s what?” She urged him. A bit of fear could be detected in her voice. 

“Dead.” He whispered it, so quietly that Nat almost missed it, but she didn't. He knew she didn't because her expression changed into one of dismay. 

“When did this happen?” She sounded off. 

“A month ago.” A new wave of tears filled those icy blue eyes. Steve turned his gaze to Nat. 

“I’m so sorry.” She pulled him closer and kissed his forehead. 

“I...I don't know what to do.” 

“Just keep going. It’ll be hard, but you have me and the others.” She rubbed his arm. 

Steve didn’t really listen to her. “I never got to apologize. He died thinking that I hated him. He died thinking I forgot about him and stopped caring about him. None of that is true, but I never got to tell him that.” He stared at his hands and felt disgusted with himself. How could he have ever done what he did? What kind of monster was he? “I’m a monster, Nat. I hurt him so fucking much. Physically and mentally. What the hell is wrong with me?” 

“Steve, you aren’t a monster-” 

“I could’ve saved him...if I was just _there_.” He felt sick to his stomach. “How the hell am I supposed to live with myself now?” Pain stabbed at his heart. “He was the reason I kept going and he’s gone now. What do I do?” He could feel his throat burning with unshed tears again.

“I promise you that things will get better, but you _need_ to stop blaming yourself. I know it seems hopeless, but you just need to push through. You _can’t_ quit. I need you to keep going and everyone else does.” She spoke sternly. “Tony would _want_ you to keep going. He wouldn’t want you to sit here and blame yourself for any of this. You know him just as well as I do.” 

“But it _is_ my fault. Every single thing. If I had just stopped being stubborn and signed the stupid Accords none of this would have happened.” Steve had gone to far into blame mode, nothing would change his mind. 

“You did what you thought was right.” 

“I _thought_ it was right. It wasn’t. Clearly.” He dug his fingernails into his forearm. “I’m a fuck up and I ruin everything.” 

“Steve-” 

“Nat, please. Just don’t.” 

“You know what, fine.” Nat stood up and walked to the door. “Wallow in sadness and self-hate all you want. See where it gets you.” She shook her head with annoyance and then stepped out the door, shutting it a little too hard behind her. 

Steve sighed and resisted the urge to punch himself. Now Nat was mad at him because he was stubborn and an idiot. He didn’t really blame her. He got annoyed with himself almost everyday. How could he not? Look at him. He was a walking disaster and he had zero good qualities. 

He tried to not think about that. Instead he thought about when him and Tony first met. They had absolutely _hated_ each other. They never got along and could barely stand to be in the same room. 

That changed over time, of course. They became friends. It had still a rocky road, but they managed. 

Then more time went by and they became best friends. They spent every waking moment together, cracking jokes, playing games, watching movies, eating food, and whatever else they felt like doing. It had been amazing and Steve wished that he could go back to that time. 

A little bit after that time, Steve had realized he was in love with Tony. At first, he was terrified because he desperately didn’t want to ruin what they had. He had immediately went to Nat after he realized it. She had given him a sly smile and told him that he should say something to Tony about it. He had said, “I can’t tell him! Are you crazy?! He would reject me easily!” She disagreed with that statement, but she swore she wouldn’t tell anyone. After that he endured teasing from her every single time he would look at Tony(apparently he looked with “heart eyes”). 

Part of Steve wished he had listened to Natasha and told Tony. Maybe he had felt the same. Maybe they could have been something. Steve swallowed, attempting to clear the lump from his throat. It didn’t matter anymore. That was in the past and Tony was dead. 

Everytime he said that statement in his head, he felt his heart crack a little more. 

_Tony was dead_. 

_Tony was gone_. 

_Tony was deceased_. 

_Tony was lifeless_. 

Steve sucked in a breath. This wasn't real. It was a dream, no, it was a nightmare. A _terrible_ nightmare that he needed to wake from. Right. Now. 

He shut his eyes, tightly, hoping he would wake up. In the back of his mind, he knew it wasn’t a dream, but he was set on ignoring that part of his mind until later on. 

When he opened his eyes, to his surprise, Tony stood in front of him. “I...Tony?” 

“Hey, Steve. It’s been awhile hasn’t it?” Steve looked at Tony with a funny look. He wasn’t actually here...right?

“Um...yeah. It has.” He bit his lip before speaking again. “Is this real? Or am I just imagining this?” 

“Of course this is real.” Tony gave him a soft smile. Steve felt a bit uneasy. He had to be imagining this. Jesus, was he going crazy? 

For some ungodly reason, Steve ignored the unease and the question. He let his gaze meet those beautiful eyes and immediately felt guilty. “Tony…” He felt tears fill his eyes for the hundredth time that night. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

“Language, Capsicle.” Tony attempted to lighten the mood. It didn’t work that well. Upon hearing the nickname, Steve felt those tears slip out of his eyes. “Don’t cry, please. None of this is your fault.” 

“How can you say that? I didn’t sign the Accords, I kept the secret about your parents from you, and I almost killed you and then left you in a bunker in Siberia.” 

“Steve, that’s all in the past. What’s done is done. You need to stop blaming yourself. Please...for me?” Tony grabbed Steve’s hands. 

“But-” 

“Steve.” His voice was stern. “Stop.” 

“I can’t promise I will, but I can try…” Steve knew he wouldn’t be able to not blame himself, but he would try if it made Tony happy. 

“Good.” 

“I missed you, Tony.” He whispered, voice trembling slightly. 

“I missed you too, but I’m here now.” Tony sat down next to Steve. “I’m not going anywhere this time.” 

“Okay.” He gave a small smile. That was the first smile to form on his lips in a _long_ time. 

After that night, Steve was in his own little world. A world where Tony was alive and they were best friends again. He would talk to Tony all the time and Tony would talk right back. 

Steve got looks from the others. He knew they thought he was crazy. The only reason they thought that was because they couldn’t see Tony like Steve could. They couldn’t hear the great jokes that Tony would make every now and then. They couldn’t hang out with him and just be in his presence. 

He didn’t care though. That was their problem, not his. It also meant that Tony was all his and _only_ his. Steve liked that concept. He liked this little world of his. It was a safe world. It kept out all the evil and danger of the outside. 

Part of him knew this wasn’t right. Part of him knew it this wasn’t normal, but he ignored that. He wasn’t about to give up Tony again because part of him felt uneasy. That part of him would just have to get over it.

Tony _was_ really here and he was going to stay here, no matter who told Steve that wasn’t case. Even if everyone on the planet told Steve that, he wouldn't listen. Why would he? He was content and he was happy. That’s all that really mattered. 

So what if he was a little crazy? A little crazy never hurt anyone right?

**Author's Note:**

> Was it everything that you hoped for? I mean probably not, but hey that's gucci. I kind of feel bad for Steve. Like he did nothing to deserve this, but I am Satan and that's always nice. I'm the angst queen aren't I??? I love that title. It makes me proud. Lmao okay well thanks for reading this bad boi. I love you v much! Pls leave a like or comment!


End file.
